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After I was diagnosed with stomach cancer in may 2016, our hopes for adoption have been put on hold. You have to be cancer free to quality for domestic infant adoption.
Adoption is used as a way to build families for a variety of reasons. But what happens if you are a secular and looking to adopt? When you do an online search for adoption for secular families or atheists you may as well see a blank screen. Since many adoption agencies arose out of religious institutions, there are not a lot of obvious resources in the adoption realm for secular families. Don't let this discourage! If adoption is something you are considering as a secular family or individual, it is possible. There may be a few extra things to think about before going into the process.
A couple of months ago, my husband and I completed our home study process through our adoption agency. We are now waiting to be matched with a birth mother with our adoption agency. When we started the process, we chose domestic infant adoption and found a local agency that has a faith based background but also works with secular families and we would feel comfortable would not discriminate against our non-religious status. I have read online stories of people who were encouraged to hide their secular views and pretend they were involved in a the church in order to adopt. Our experience was such that we did not have to hide our secular views and we were able to be ourselves.
When I was working on our profile book for birth mothers to look at with our agency I went online to look at examples of other couples. There was some diversity out there, but I was starting to feel like a minority! Many other couples expressed faith and a belief in God as well as offering "christian values" as a benefit to handing over a child to them. I know not all birth mothers are looking for a family that has faith based in religion to raise their child-they are looking for a family who will love the child in their absence. I know what our family has a lot to offer a child without religion, including a loving home, good education and by golly some critical thinking skills. We did not disclose in our profile book we are a secular family or atheists, but the lack of acknowledging faith and religion makes it obvious.
When you are starting the process it can be difficult to find specific answers to questions about adoption because it all depends on where you live, what type of adoption you are doing, and what regulations and procedures they have. I am an educated social worker, and it was very confusing to me! Initially I found a website for our state that guided me to our agency we chose. From that point, our social worker is the main person we have a working relationship in the process. We have had an excellent relationship with our social worker, but this person can make or break your success in the home study. The social worker is bound to ethical standards and organizational policies, but they are also human beings.
The overall process for adoption can be a lengthy one. For our choice of domestic infant adoption one of the qualifications in our state is that we are married for at least three years. After we met that qualification, we were then put on a waiting list. Once we got to the top of the waiting list we started the "home study" that includes, an application, reference letters, physicals, a letter from my oncologist stating I was healthy (because I am a childhood cancer survivor), a mental health exam, FBI fingerprints, meetings with the social worker, a home visit, payments, and a profile book. This took about another year and a half from being on the first waiting list until finally being approved. Once we were approved to adopt, we continue to wait until the agency matches us with a birth mother through our agency.
Adoption is a long process that can have restrictions,
but being secular doesn't have to be one!
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If you are considering adoption and are secular/atheist there are a few things you can think about before starting the process:
1) It is important to know what type of adoption you are open to (domestic, international, open, closed, with an agency or private). This will help guide who you will be working with. This includes knowing what attributes you would consider for a child you are looking to build your family with (gender, age range, race). The agency you work with will ask you these questions- ours did!
3) Consider foster care. The foster care system has fewer restrictions (age, marriage and thus more open to a variety of family backgrounds. This is a great opportunity to become a forever family for older children as well.
4) Reach out for support locally and online. I joined a Facebook group for secular foster and adoptive parents, which was comforting to know I could ask questions or vent if needed. It is nice to know there is a group of people out there if needed.
5) Continue with your life as usual. A lot of adoption is waiting. Please do yourself a favor and continue with your work and hobbies as usual. We went on long bike rides across our state, competed in triathlons, even left the country knowing very well we could have gotten a phone call from the social worker saying they had a baby for us. We know what room we would have for a nursery, but haven't set one up yet. If you spend all of your time focused and thinking about adoption and the process, that may lead to sadness and depression when the process can take a while.
Obviously since our adoption story is not complete, I cannot say we have had a successful secular adoption. But I am confident it is only a matter of time before we are matched with a birth mother, and when we do, we can be confident we were true to ourselves and our story. Thankfully, we live in an area that had good resources to meet our needs. I know that not everyone will have the same opportunities we have had, and this is where networking and social media can help. You can cast a wide net by making an online profile and searching for a private adoption, you can even go across state lines if needed. Overall, the adoption plans start with the wishes from the couple or individual who are seeking to adopt, and but it is helpful to know that adoption for secular families has become increasing attainable!
