Sunday, November 30, 2014

Letting Go of My Religion

Dear God, I have changed my mind. After being baptized and brought up Lutheran, I have decided as an adult to stop attending church and leave you behind. When I was young, I made active choices to be more involved with my church since my parents did not attend church regularly. I participated in youth group activities such as confirmation, retreats, camps and big youth gatherings. I attended a Lutheran college, and sang in choir in my church as an adult. I had mostly positive influences in my life because of my church. So the big question would be why would I leave all of that behind, especially the promise of an afterlife?

I mentally took the plunge into atheism a couple of years after I married my husband who is an atheist.  Looking back, I am not sure if I truly believed all of the teachings and followings of the church I was brought up in. When I was young my life wasn’t all that easy. For starters, I grew up with an alcoholic father. My dad was a good man when he wasn’t drinking, but it seemed like the parents who attended my church with the kids my age knew what family was about and loved their kids the way I wanted to be loved. I was envious of their connection of both family and the Holy Spirit. Then came my cancer diagnosis.

It’s amazing how alone and distraught you can feel when you are diagnosed with cancer. My church was about the only place I could go and not feel so isolated.  The people there made it known they were thinking of me and were there to support me and also pray for me. It was heartwarming when most other areas of my life I was surrounded by kids who didn’t understand and adults who didn’t talk to me because they didn’t know what to say. But since I had such a life changing experience so early in life, it allowed me to consider the meanings of life, death and religions, and I took classes on the subjects in high school and college whenever I could.

My biggest tipping point against religion would be coming to terms with being born intersexed (a female with male chromosomes). Despite learning from an early age that I would not be getting my period and not be able to have children of my own, I didn’t have a full understanding of what my diagnosis was until my mid-twenties. Coping with the diagnosis was very isolating, but it was also confusing as to how being born intersexed fell into religion and the eyes of God.

I would say I had never been 100% convinced about religion. I felt awkward when I prayed on my own. Unless I was reciting a poetic group prayer, the thoughts and words never flowed as eloquently as I thought they should. I have so many unanswered questions when it comes to religion. I was always confused about how there could be so many religions in the world, and questioned which one was right. Were the millions of other people who followed their religion and God/gods wrong and going to hell for their beliefs?  I wondered how God could have created the world, and yet there was the theory of evolution. There were inconsistencies I personally felt in my own religion, that women could be pastors in one synod but not another. I was also angry at God about why innocent children with cancer ended up dying from their disease, and there are also the atrocities of the church such as the catholic priests molesting innocent children.

The personal issues I held with God were a combination of all my life burdens that I often felt were too much to bear at times. But one subject that continued to haunt me were my questions about death. If I do not follow religion, what is going to happen to me if I die? It was a scary thought to consider, but it wasn’t enough for me to continue to stay in my religion. I started to consider that death was a big issue for many people who are religious, and God and eternal salvation was a perfect solution to their problem. Death continues to be a terrible and sad issue for us as humans, but at least religion promises an afterlife, even a way to meet up with long-gone relatives. With all things considered, I couldn’t see how gambling on a promise of an afterlife would be enough for me to continue to believe in God and stay with the church.

The church I once held in high esteem started to fall in shambles because of my questions. But I wasn’t so quick to let go of the years of dedication and service to God I had put in. How does one just let go of a promise of eternal love and a spot in heaven? Not to mention the Christian faith has it set up that if you are not working with them, you are against them. You are working as the hands of the devil and going to hell, and no Christian wants that! I promise you that you can still be a good person without religious guidance. I continue to have the same morals I have as a human being, even without divine guidance.


It wasn’t until I met my husband who is an atheist who showed me that it was OK to continue to question the existence of God and the validity of religions. It can be a slow process to leave your religion as you are often connected and intertwined into your thinking, beliefs, and social interactions. There are many people out there just like me who have found more questions than answers when it comes to religion and faith in a higher power. But above all, you must have faith in yourself and your knowledge and instincts that you can live your life without it, and you are going to be OK.

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