Home Improvements

A few weeks ago I noticed a piece of the linoleum kitchen floor coming up.  Then while happily shopping for new floor tiles at the local home improvement store, my husband informed me that we would have to move the refrigerator and stove.  My response to this was sarcasm of course.  I said "Well, why don't we just install new kitchen cabinets while we are at it"!  Well, knowing that wasn't in the budget, I suggested painting the cabinets and walls in the kitchen since we had to move all of the appliances.  We decided to take an extended weekend to put it all together.

Home improvements always take longer than expected.  It is fun to decide what tile to put on the floor and paint to put on the wall, but actually doing it is a whole different ballpark.  If you are going to work on a home improvement project, along with the paint brushes, tape, etc., you will need patience, a sense of humor, and a good side-kick!

We started to paint the cabinets and put a coat of paint on the walls.  The next day, we pulled up the floor and put the new floor down.  After the floor was put down, we realized the wall color didn't work and needed to pick a different color green!  The days eventually blur together and it's been a week since we started the project, but we are getting close to being done and it is all coming together!

Intersex in the News...

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/raising-an-intersex-child/53456b7378c90a2ff90001bb

So there was an awesome piece done with the Huffington Post Live on raising an intersex child earlier this week.  There were a couple of people in the interview I was able to meet in person at last year's AIS-DSD conference.  They did a fantastic job articulating the needs of what intersex children.  This segment is another positive step for us intersex people to gain recognition in society.  Please watch and learn, and spread the good word!

Adoption, the waiting game

My husband and I have now been on a waiting list for domestic infant adoption for six months now.  We had discussed adoption a few years ago, and did research on what agency in the area we would want to work with.  After doing the research and initially contacting them, we had learned that for domestic infant adoption we needed to be married for at least 3 years, and then we get put on their first waiting list.  And then when our names get to the top of that list, then we can start the real adoption process of home study, etc.

So far, six months have passed and we hadn't been contacted.  I emailed to make sure they got all of the initial paperwork because we didn't get a phone call or email from them to confirm they did get it.  I had to get a letter from my oncologist saying that I was healthy to adopt a child, because of being a cancer survivor.  I was somewhat anxious to make sure they got all of the paperwork.

So now all we can do is wait.  We are not in a huge hurry to adopt because we would like to make sure our finances were in order before paying for all of that, but I would like to be somewhat younger while being a mom.  The challenge right now comes from using patience.  I am used to being patient, but most situations in my life also gave me the option of doing something proactive towards a goal.

As soon as we are contacted and start the process, I plan to document how things go.  I am curious to know a few things, but the answers will reveal themselves in time.  Questions like "will being born intersexed be brought up or become an issue?  What about being non-religious family?  I just hope that our strengths as a couple shine through, that we love each other and would really provide a solid and loving home for a child.

2013 Year in Review

Dressed up for Wedding

Happy New Year!  It is a few days into 2014, and we have all made it through the holidays.  This year in Iowa it has been a cold winter.  Since I have been holding up indoors, I have taken time to reflect about things I have learned about myself in the previous year.  This past year doesn't seem like a spectacular one at first glance.  The day to day of life sometimes  takes the awe out of things.  I am the first to admit I sell myself short on my achievements (something I am working on).  Here are some of my highlights of 2013:

In the spring, I agreed to participate in a dance for an Indian wedding celebration for the gathering of the family and friends the night before the wedding.  Our little group represent the friends of the bride from our area.  We met for weeks to learn choreographed dance routines we performed for the bride and groom to be!  I truly enjoyed spending time with the women I danced with, learning the routines, and being apart of their wedding in a small way.  It was a joyous occasion!

Happy to be done with the Pigman!

I started the summer off with finishing a tremendously windy sprint triathlon.  I completed this triathlon before in agreeable weather conditions.  I am a slow triathlete, so my goal is usually to not drown and just finish.  My goal for the 2013 Pigman Sprint was to finish and beat my time from the previous year, but with the weather conditions my goal changed to being "just to finish!"  I was focused on the bike portion of the triathlon just to keep moving, even when it seemed like the wind was making me go backwards.  I was proud of myself for sticking to it, and finishing before some of my "competition".

Another awesome experience for the year was attending the AIS-DSD conference in Boston, MA.  I wrote up my blog post about attending the conference.  But I cannot express how I benefited from going to the conference, and how it helped build me into a stronger person.  I totally plan on going to the one next year that is going to be in San Francisco and want my mother to go along with me this time.

Some harder lessons were learned when I went on a trip to South and North Dakota and had signed up to do a triathlon on the way to visit the in-laws.  The swim portion was significantly longer than I had done in the past, and after my first triathlon was finished in June, I had not continued with training to prepare myself for this one.  My husband and I arrived to South Dakota and were preparing for it, we arose that morning and as I was surveying the swim portion and surroundings, I backed out of it at the very last second.  The start horn went off and I couldn't get in the water.  I was unprepared and afraid.  It is OK to back out of things, but it's OK to say no earlier than at the starting gate.

Later in the fall, I took the reigns at works while my supervisor was out recovering from surgery.  I attempted to do the best I could being in charge at work.  Until I got sick with a really bad cold!  It's difficult being in charge of housing cancer patients when you are also sick.  You have to take care of yourself, and make sure things are still going on as they should at work- without exposing the patients to your sickness.  I had some excellent coverage with the staff, so I could hide in my office and do administrative things.  Once I lost my voice, I stayed home for a day and a half to rest.  Also, I had to examine my role as a leader at work when one of my volunteers asked me to answer questions for a paper she was writing on leadership.  It turns out, as a self-conscience, over weight, intersexed cancer survivor I had a hard time seeing myself seeking out a leadership position.  As a social worker, I wanted to work with cancer patients and their families- which had led me to where I am today.  But now that I am in my role at work, I truly am loving it as the past couple of years have gone by.

The last major positive step for our family was filling out an adoption registration form.  It is the very beginning phases of a process that can take a couple or few years, but as soon as we me the qualifications of being married for 3 years for domestic infant adoption we sent in the form!  I will use this blog to update on the status of this process as well in its various phases.

2013 was a year full of ups and downs, but this is to be expected.  Overall I am happy with the year gone by and feel blessed for the experiences I had and the people in my life.  I am also working on my dedication to this blog I had started.  It was easy to talk about the story of my past, but once I got passed that it was difficult to continue with topics and formatting.  So, I will continue with writing and see where it takes me.  It will be a mixture of  things about my life as I move forward with it.

all Smiles in North Dakota!

My First Conference

Ever since I joined the Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome support group, I knew there was an annual support conference they held.   I was finally able to make the conference this past summer, which was held in Boston.  I was excited to go to the conference for many reasons.  First of all, I have been communicating and receiving support online for close to ten years, Boston was a city I have always wanted to check out, and my husband was going with me and we were making a vacation out of it!

Getting to Boston and taking off work was one thing.  The people who know of my AIS diagnosis knew about the conference and my excitement for it, but others just knew I was going on vacation to Boston, but didn't really know why.  I knew that I was finally going to meet many other affected women with AIS.  Up to this point, I had only met one other person in real life and participated in the online community.

Once I got to Boston, my husband and I had some time to settle in and take in some sites.  I love the city, and get quite jealous of people that get to take the metro to work.  As the conference grew closer, I was ready to learn and get involved.  I had a few other attendees warn me about taking breaks and taking care of myself if I felt overwhelmed or exhausted by the experience, but knowing myself and with my social work background I knew that I was at a good place to monitor if I was having those thoughts.

I attended sessions about feeling different, discussing fertility options, mental health resources, and most importantly- sharing your story.  I was finally in a place where I could openly share my story from start to finish and listen to the story of others.  I was in a room full of women nodding my head and thinking "you sound just like me!"  It was an amazing feeling to bond and unite together in such a setting!  I also got a kick out of seeing the youth who attended the conference, and noticing through the education, support, openness with their families about being born intersexed, they seem much more confident than I ever did at their ages.  I hope they continue with that attitude.

Intersexed advocacy was a hot topic at the conference, and starting with bringing our stories to the public.  We are silent in the population, because there is fear and shame behind gender ambiguity.  Some amazing people have started to share their stories online on a website called the interface project- http://www.interfaceproject.org/.  We want to increase education and awareness in the general public for what it means to be intersexed and make sure we maintain our rights as human beings.

The most fun times were when we got to hang out and socialize and just get to know each other.  We all have this major thing in common, but we are all so different with our personal lives, where we live, our hobbies.  WE ARE SUCH INTERESTING PEOPLE!  It's a wonderful thing to have this conference to bring us together- too bad it's only once a year!

Finally, I had mixed feelings about having my husband with me.  I knew I was going to have a different experience at the conference alone or with a friend who was born intersex.  He participated in his own sessions and did his own thing at times.  Some of the other parents saw him as a role model of someone who accepted his intersexed wife for who she was, giving them hope for their daughters (which was cool, but every relationship experience is different).  Overall, I am glad he went because we got to have some discussions as a couple that validated our marriage and feelings to one another.

I left the conference feeling validated and empowered.  I have grown as a person and as a couple.  I plan to go to more in the future, starting with San Francisco and hopefully bringing my mother with me.

Leo and I After Finishing a really HOT Boston 5k

Happy Intersexed Awareness Day!



I have joked in recent years that October is the "month of Amy" as it starts off with my birthday and ends with my remission day.  My remission day is when I had my last chemo and I was set free from cancer treatment.  But then I got married in October.  But also October hold Intersex Awareness Day, which is the 26th!  So many reasons why this is my favorite month and to celebrate- besides pumpkin spiced lattes!!

No, I didn't get any presents today or anything special for being born intersexed (the day isn't over yet!)  But I would like to talk a little about why this day is so important.  We as intersexed people have a voice.  Many of us are afraid to use it.  Our voices have been stifled since we were born and our parents and those who love us very much were afraid of how society would view their babies that were born differently.  Things have started to get better, but there is still stigma and many intersexed people still feel like they cannot be themselves and compartmentalize how open they are with friends, family, and others in their lives.

Our community is also trying to increase advocacy with medical issues so we can have more control over our bodies.  One big example is people born with variations of sexual anatomy should be able to choose what they want to be and not have it assigned to them.  Another issue is having medical staff willing to work and try different hormone options.

The last reason why a day such as today is important is that many people don't know we are out there or even think twice about us.  We are a secret part of the population that you can hear in statistics or in theory, but many people have never put a name or a face to it.  We are out here.  We exist, and there are quite a few of us.  We have rights.  We continue to grow more stronger and more confident each day.

Finding Love

October 9th, 2010 was a day for many years I thought would never happen.  I got married to my husband, Leo!  We met through an online dating site, and I wasn't sure if we were going to be a good fit because he is younger than me and because of his "non" religious status.  But there was something intriguing about him and I wanted to get to know him better.  It wasn't love at first site, and Leo wasn't even sure if he was attracted to me at first (as I recall).  But the more time we spent with each other, the more we wanted to be with each other.


After dating for about five months, Leo proposed to me in the gardens in the Getty Museum while on vacation in Los Angeles.  I said "YES", and it was perfect!  There was only one problem...I hadn't told him about being intersexed yet!   Everything I knew about him up to that point led me to believe he had accepted me for who I was.  I told him about being a cancer survivor and not being able to have children of my own, and he was already on board with adopting someday.  But from fear and stigma I was not up front right away about being intersexed with him, which is something I deeply regretted!

I finally divulged my secret to him late one night while lying in bed.  I worked up anxiety about telling him and was having a hard time getting to sleep.  So I knew a long sleepless night was going to be ahead of me if I didn't say something!

The fear of telling someone I loved I am interesexed, and how they may react kept me from getting close to someone for so many years.  I have finally put myself in the position to overcome these obstacles and push beyond my comfort levels.  But being in a relationship and eventually getting married were things I truly wanted, and I am glad I took the risk even though I wish I had handled some of the things differently.  I also recognize that I had a positive experience, and an grateful my husband accepted me for who I was.

I wish there were more men out there like my husband, as regular and humble as he is.  He is also open-minded and a self-proclaimed feminist  Together we make a great team.  Together I am free to be myself, openly and even loved for just being me.