Insignt Into the Lives of the Intersexed

There are some things about being intersexed straight gendered people wouldn’t fully understand because they will never have these particular combinations of experiences themselves. I am going to provide a little insight into our world, to give some understanding of what intersexed people experience including some internal feelings and the interactions with the people in our lives. Although there are several intersexed disorders of sexual development that affect people, my perspective in this article is coming from an intersexed female born with Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome.

Frequently we start our journey feeling alone and scared.  If we were diagnosed intersexed as a young child, many of us are unaware of our diagnosis until our families’ feel we needed to know.  Most of us learn of our diagnosis around the time we were supposed to start puberty because we were not going to get our period. Some of us were not diagnosed until after our friends reached puberty because we did not get our period like our peers did, and went to the doctor to find out why. Learning this information about yourself is shocking, because you automatically find out you are different and assume this difference is a negative thing. The information about our diagnosis is something we keep a secret as a way to protect ourselves. We don’t even talk about it, even with our loved ones and closest friends, because if this information gets into the wrong hands we can be ostracized for something we have no control over.

An identity crisis can arise because the person you once were is now all up for questioning, even if you were confident in yourself before. If they dreamed about getting married and getting pregnant with a partner, this dream may be shattered once they learn they have no uterus. Not to mention the perplexities of finding yourself outside of the gender norm.  Each individual person has to decide for themselves what being intersex means to them.  Do I feel male or female, or want to be categorized in between?  Am I gay or straight?  If I have male chromosomes and I am in love with a male, does that make me gay?  These are all valid questions that can be resolved over time.

Counseling would be helpful to work through issues such as these, but it isn’t always offered directly. We find out quickly we have to advocate for ourselves and we also have to advocate for ourselves in working with our doctors. Many doctors are not specialist in working with intersexed. Some do their best with examinations and hormone replacement therapy, but some doctors are still uninformed and quite ignorant in our care. We are often put in a place of outing ourselves to nurses and residents every time we step into a doctor’s office when we are asked “when was the last time you had your period?”

As years go by we get reminded time and again about our differences. Sometimes it’s the small daily reminders like when we wake up and take our estrogen pill. Other times we get reminded when friends or roommates commiserate about getting their period, invites to baby showers or attempting to start intimate relationships. Dating is hard enough for straight gendered people so imagine if you felt you had a secret to divulge, hoping the person you liked would stick around after you tell them. Some of us never overcome this obstacle because it’s scary as hell. Many of us have delayed dating until we gained confidence in ourselves again.  But what if we had this confidence at an earlier age?

We also have to become educated about our diagnosis so when we do need discuss it with other people we know what we are talking about. It is a learning process, and a lot of people in the general public do not understand right away what you are talking about, so we also have to be prepared to give them resources to go back to later. Thanks to the internet, recent generations of intersexed people were able to educate themselves about their diagnosis online and more frequently become attached to resources and support because of it.

Connecting with a support group can be a turning point for us. Instead of feeling isolated and scared, we can now reach out to each other and recognize we are not the only ones we know who were born this way. The dreams that were once shattered after the diagnosis can now slowly get pieced back together again.  We can see other intersexed people have maintained loving relationships, even built families through adoption. What once was our secretive story to agonize over is repeated again by other intersexed people as their experience until it becomes normalized and life becomes more hopeful. The most exciting and overwhelming experience can come when you actually meet another person who was born just like you!

With all of these supports in mind, we would like to partner with the doctors, social workers, psychologists, who are treating the newly diagnosed and their families so we can offer them the education and support they need right away. We shouldn’t expect them to have sought out these resources on their own because it only assumes families will take action to find resources and not fall through the cracks. Some doctors may be reluctant to having us there as a resource for families, but we know from personal experience that early support and intervention is key for the intersexed person to getting to a happy place in their life. Not everyone is born into a supportive network, and our community believes if we have an early intervention and the opportunity to support the intersexed person and their family, it can resolve some of the negative aspects of the diagnosis earlier.

Life as an intersexed person isn’t always easy, but with the right support we can live full lives and flourish. Many of us are well educated, have supportive families, and have started families of our own through adoption. If you happen to personally know one of us, you may even forget about our diagnosis and just treat us like regular people, because that is exactly what we are- human beings.  We are human beings who have overcome remarkable hurdles just because we were born outside the gender norm.

http://skepchick.org/2014/09/guest-post-insight-into-the-lives-of-the-intersexed/

Invisible Intersex

Do you know someone who is intersexed? Would you be able to notice a person is intersexed by looking at them? The answer to that question is no. It is estimated that 1 out of 2,000 babies are born with a difference of sexual development (DSD), so it’s more common than most people would think. So where are all of the intersexed people? We are here and slowly gaining the courage to open up about it.

I, myself, was born with an intersexed condition called Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (CAIS). I have male (XY) chromosomes, but during prenatal development did not respond to androgens (male hormones) and instead developed female genitalia. I look like a normal woman, but do not have a uterus or ovaries. My parents found out I was intersexed because I had a hernia when I was about a month old from underdeveloped testicular tissue or gonads. The doctor repaired my hernia and left the gonads in place until my teen years.

My parents were as supportive as they could be under the circumstances. They tried to prepare me for what was to come, and told me that before my friends were going into puberty that I was not going to get my period or be able to have children of my own, but I would also have to have a surgery. I had the surgery to remove my gonads when I was 12 years old and started to take estrogen hormone replacement therapy to ensure development as a woman would successful. There was no education or counseling session with professionals to tell me what was going on or why the surgery needed to take place.  I remember someone telling me in high school I had XY chromosomes, but that did not make sense to me at that time. fter the surgery was over, I spent several years knowing I was different than the other girls, but not understanding why or questioning it.

Fear and anxiety about my difference built up over the years because no one talked openly to me about it. I continued to see an endocrinologist on a regular basis for check-ups and hormone replacement therapy, but it wasn’t until my mid-twenties when my curiosity got the best of me. I went online and searched for the diagnosis I saw in my medical charts “Complete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome”. I saw terms like “male chromosomes”, “testicular feminization”, “hermaphrodite”, and rumored celebrities who were also born that way. It was a huge shock to say the least! A positive thing about searching the internet for CAIS was coming across a support group, where I learned I wasn’t alone and eventually met other people born intersexed. I also started to have open conversations with my parents about being born intersexed and how it has affected my life.

Around my 30^th birthday, I was reaching more than one milestone. I had a feeling I was coasting through life not being my whole self. I wanted to be more open and honest with my family and friends about whom I was as a person. This secret also kept me from having a fulfilling dating and sex life. I started to open up to my closest friends, educating them about how I was born. I disclosed to my best friend over email, because I was too anxious to do it over the phone. All of my friends responded positively, and wished they would have known earlier so they could be there for me.

With this confidence, I decided to put myself out there in the dating world with the help of online dating. I met this younger, athletic, smart guy who then became my boyfriend. We spent several months getting to know each other and I confided to him I wasn’t able to have children, and he accepted that.  Then one spectacular day, while on vacation in LA, he proposed! After happily accepting his proposal, there was a dread that crept up. I hadn’t disclosed to him about being intersexed yet! A month went by before I told him the truth. He ingested the information, and stuck around to say “I do”, and one day we will build our family together through adoption.

Instead of feeling guilty about not telling my husband I am intersexed before he proposed, I later realized I wasn’t ready to tell him and am glad he accepted me for who I was after I did. Most people who are intersexed have a fear of being rejected for telling the truth about who we really are. The fear stems from the secrecy of our diagnosis, surgeries, and sometimes even gender assignments! We are told that you can continue to live your life as a “woman” with this condition if you have this surgery and take these hormones, but you just won’t have your period or be able to have your own babies. Like life will just play out that way and be fine?

But life is not that simple. As we have seen with the gay rights movement, we cannot hide who we are because it will eventually come to the surface. But our society wants to categorize gender into “male” or “female” and not deal with the “other” category that already exists. Intersex is a paradox some people have attempted to hide under the rug, and it has worked so far. As a human being we deserve the right to live life as we are- without being ashamed if we do not fit into the typical roles of society. The real truth is if we have truth, compassion, support, and love in our lives we can feel pretty damn good about ourselves.

My story is similar to many others who were born with Complete Androgen Insensitive Syndrome. There also are several other diagnoses besides CAIS that qualify as Intersex. And we have not always been treated well in the past, especially from the medical community. I have heard personal testimonies of people who were photographed nude, coaxed into surgeries, and assigned a gender that did not fit who they were. Years past, the medical community wanted to provide a quick fix and keep our lives under wraps, which is where our invisibility began. Although it is progressively getting better, some of these injustices are still occurring.

The future of the intersexed community is gaining strength, and with that strength the confidence to be open with the world around us. I have been blessed to join a network of support who is working on education, advocacy, research, and awareness to the general public and medical community. The AIS-DSD support group is focused on being a positive resource for intersexed people, their families, and a broker with those who want to work with us on research studies. We have made positive strides, but we still need to work on prejudices such as people who are afraid of our differences, unconformity, and even religious discussions about human evolution and how we fit into religion.

http://skepchick.org/2014/08/guest-post-invisible-intersex/

I would like to buy a vowel! #intersexawareness

Most people in our society understand the acronym LGBT and what it relates to (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender).  But is it missing something?  What about Intersex?  I would like to propose adding an "I" to LGBT.  This is not a new idea, and some organizations have already been going there, so KUDOS to them!  But as I had discussed before, the Intersex community are often 1) misunderstood, 2) under represented for various reasons.

The most inclusive acronym is LGBTQIA.  The website for the Tahoe Safe Alliance did an excellent job breaking it down.  At this point in time, when I did a internet search for LGBTQIA, a lot of them were for student groups or raising awareness at university.  But we need a overall society awareness of inclusion.  Here is what the Tahoe Safe Alliance has listed for what LGBTQIA means:

Lesbian – A female- identified person who is attracted romantically, physically, or emotionally to another female-identified person.
Gay – A male-identified person who is attracted romantically, physically, or emotionally to another male-identified person.
Bisexual – A person who is attracted romantically, physically, or emotionally to both men and women.
Transgender – A person who is a member of a gender other than that expected based on anatomical sex.
Queer – An umbrella term which embraces a variety of sexual preferences, orientations, and habits of those who do not adhere to the heterosexual and cisgender majority. The term queer includes, but is not exclusive to lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, transpeople, and intersex persons, traditionally, this term is derogatory and hurtful, however, many people who do not adhere to sexual and/or gender norms use it to self-identify in a positive way.
Intersex – Someone who’s physical sex characteristics are not categorized as exclusively male or exclusively female.
Asexual – A person who is not attracted to anyone, or a person who does not have a sexual orientation.
Ally – A person who does not identify as LGBTQIA, but supports the rights and safety of those who do
http://tahoesafealliance.org/for-lgbqtia/what-does-lgbtqia-mean/

So in the future lets work together to be more inclusive and use LGBTQIA.  I know it's a mouthful, but it will be helpful to make sure everyone is included and supported, but also raise awareness to the intersexed community.

Home Improvement Update WITH Pics

Who knew that weeks later our kitchen would still not be finished?  The project sounded so simple, but once the spring started to warm up, our priorities turned outside to the garden during the weekend hours.  The Hubby worked on getting compost and planting our starter plants.  We pretty much only need to put the cabinet doors back on, and do some detail painting to finish the project, but I am ready for it to be done!


The reason for the madness!  The Original Tiles

Getting ready for some fun!



The wrong wall paint color :*(



Picking out the New Green!

Temporary Kitchen

Going with Go Fish!

New Paint Color

Bailey tried to help paint!

Gardening instead of working on the Kitchen!

Home Improvements

A few weeks ago I noticed a piece of the linoleum kitchen floor coming up.  Then while happily shopping for new floor tiles at the local home improvement store, my husband informed me that we would have to move the refrigerator and stove.  My response to this was sarcasm of course.  I said "Well, why don't we just install new kitchen cabinets while we are at it"!  Well, knowing that wasn't in the budget, I suggested painting the cabinets and walls in the kitchen since we had to move all of the appliances.  We decided to take an extended weekend to put it all together.

Home improvements always take longer than expected.  It is fun to decide what tile to put on the floor and paint to put on the wall, but actually doing it is a whole different ballpark.  If you are going to work on a home improvement project, along with the paint brushes, tape, etc., you will need patience, a sense of humor, and a good side-kick!

We started to paint the cabinets and put a coat of paint on the walls.  The next day, we pulled up the floor and put the new floor down.  After the floor was put down, we realized the wall color didn't work and needed to pick a different color green!  The days eventually blur together and it's been a week since we started the project, but we are getting close to being done and it is all coming together!

Intersex in the News...

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/raising-an-intersex-child/53456b7378c90a2ff90001bb

So there was an awesome piece done with the Huffington Post Live on raising an intersex child earlier this week.  There were a couple of people in the interview I was able to meet in person at last year's AIS-DSD conference.  They did a fantastic job articulating the needs of what intersex children.  This segment is another positive step for us intersex people to gain recognition in society.  Please watch and learn, and spread the good word!

Adoption, the waiting game

My husband and I have now been on a waiting list for domestic infant adoption for six months now.  We had discussed adoption a few years ago, and did research on what agency in the area we would want to work with.  After doing the research and initially contacting them, we had learned that for domestic infant adoption we needed to be married for at least 3 years, and then we get put on their first waiting list.  And then when our names get to the top of that list, then we can start the real adoption process of home study, etc.

So far, six months have passed and we hadn't been contacted.  I emailed to make sure they got all of the initial paperwork because we didn't get a phone call or email from them to confirm they did get it.  I had to get a letter from my oncologist saying that I was healthy to adopt a child, because of being a cancer survivor.  I was somewhat anxious to make sure they got all of the paperwork.

So now all we can do is wait.  We are not in a huge hurry to adopt because we would like to make sure our finances were in order before paying for all of that, but I would like to be somewhat younger while being a mom.  The challenge right now comes from using patience.  I am used to being patient, but most situations in my life also gave me the option of doing something proactive towards a goal.

As soon as we are contacted and start the process, I plan to document how things go.  I am curious to know a few things, but the answers will reveal themselves in time.  Questions like "will being born intersexed be brought up or become an issue?  What about being non-religious family?  I just hope that our strengths as a couple shine through, that we love each other and would really provide a solid and loving home for a child.